This isn't in the same vein as Worst. Episode. Ever. This isn't hyperbole. I'm not trying to draw attention by exaggerating a point. This is, literally, the worst sportswriter paragraph I've ever read. The worst. There have been bad paragraphs, and there have been terrible paragraphs, and there have been paragraphs that pushed other paragraphs off the monkey bars at recess and spit in their milk, but there has never been a worse paragraph than this. Not by a professional sportswriter. Not ever.
On Manny Ramirez in the playoffs:
With only four extra-base hits, he no longer has the bat speed to get around on a fastball. With just one walk and a measly on-base percentage of .300, he no longer has the patience to make the pitcher work.
If they ever end up making a surplus of strike zone robots, they should just give Bill Plaschke's job to one of the extras, because I'm pretty sure reading a randomized sequence of two different words would be a great deal more informative.
0 recs | 94 comments
He earns a living doing this.
There is no justice.
Jack Moore - October 21, 2009
Please tell me that's him making fun of people drawing conclusions from tiny sample sizes.
Please?
Graham MacAree - October 21, 2009
It's Bill Plaschke
he probably doesn’t even know what a sample size is.
pdb - October 21, 2009
He should look in his pants!
marinerdan - October 21, 2009
This might be the work of an impostor, because that's way too long to be a Bill Plaschke paragraph.
Teej - October 21, 2009
Hmm. It doesn't appear that there is a forum to which one can respond to a Bill Plaschke column.
msb - October 21, 2009
We have the technology to improve sports writing, why isn't it being implemented?
http://mediadecoder.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/10/19/the-robots-are-coming-oh-theyre-here/
Janic - October 21, 2009
I know you were joking but really my only problem with this is one of homogeneity
I love the idea of removing the Plaschkes of the world from the sportswriter ranks, but if the same computer writes all the sports stories they’ll all have the same look and feel with only differing details. Until you can teach a computer to write with a singular voice I hope this remains a novelty.
pdb - October 21, 2009
Ok I think it's time to open the lid of The Great Robert Experiment
Graham MacAree - October 21, 2009
Whatever are you talking about?
Matthew - October 21, 2009
Have you read this article?
link
This is literally the worst thing I have ever read
Poochie - October 21, 2009
I honestly couldn't get past the second line
pdb - October 21, 2009
Is he always like that
Jeff Sullivan - October 21, 2009
he's on one of those inane ESPN shows that plays while I'm at the gym most days
and he is, at least verbally.
pdb - October 21, 2009
Yeah, just saw him on AtH yesterday and I immediately labeled him an idiot (I didn't really know who he was).
Now I’m wondering how the heck he still has a job. This article makes Steve Kelley’s work look like that of Shakespeare.
ralphie81 - October 21, 2009
Maybe not to that degree, but yes.
Teej - October 21, 2009
I try, but in reality he is impossible to parody.
marc w - October 21, 2009
I don't wanna find out
Poochie - October 21, 2009
Having lived five years in Denver
I can honestly say “No” — in point of fact, he’s often worse. His writing regularly brings to mind Douglas Adams’ descriptions of Vogon poetry. If one of the Denver papers was going to fold, that it wasn’t the one that employed Woody Paige is still a source of bewilderment to me. ralphie’s right — this is a guy that can actually make you wish you had Steve Kelley. The best day in Denver sports while I was there was the day Woody wrote his farewell column — he was off to NYC. I have no earthly idea why they let him come back.
In case you can’t guess, I’m not a fan.
The Ancient Mariner - October 22, 2009
I love that whenever there's a "who's the worst sportswriter alive" competition, it's always a face-off between "Around the Horn" regulars.
Teej - October 21, 2009
That's the one!
pdb - October 21, 2009
Isn't Bob Ryan actually a good writer?
Matthew - October 21, 2009
I haven't read a ton of his stuff, but he's well-regarded.
And it’s not like everyone on the show is a crazy person. I always liked Michael Smith and someone else whose name I can’t grasp right now.
But the trifecta of Plaschke, Paige and Mariotti was pretty legendary when I used to watch before work. Not sure if they’re still on anymore, though.
Teej - October 21, 2009
Oh, they are
Matthew - October 21, 2009
I thought Michael Smith and JA Adande were the only decent ones.
I only liked Woody Paige for his whiteboard messages
kentroyals5 - October 21, 2009
Tim Cowlishaw's not too bad, in my limited exposure to him
but Paige, Plaschke and Mariotti . . . shudder
The Ancient Mariner - October 22, 2009
Mar-i-ot-ti
clap-clap
clap-clap-clap
homesickalien - October 21, 2009
marrioti is a great writer
don’t love his analysis, but as a writer, he’s pretty good, unlike BillP
Freneau - October 21, 2009
I love that AtH has guys like Mariotti, Plaschke and Paige
and then follows it up with people like Bob Ryan and JA Adande, who are actually good at their jobs
seattlebruin - October 21, 2009
I actually love that show
But most of the writers are idiots. I just like Tony Reali.
gregrabble - October 21, 2009
They just took Around the Horn to lower levels today.
Jemele Hill made her “debut” on the show, indicating she will now be a regular.
Her writing fits in with Paige, Marrioti, and Plascke.
Wilder. - October 22, 2009
Her writing is easier to parody though
seattlebruin - October 22, 2009
I read the title and knew who wrote it.
marc w - October 21, 2009
Exactly.
Teej - October 21, 2009
Boy was I wrong
Jeff Sullivan - October 21, 2009
In your defense you hadn't read the Paige piece when you wrote this post
pdb - October 21, 2009
Vindication!
Jeff Sullivan - October 21, 2009
JI posted it a year ago, though.
marc w - October 21, 2009
Like his comments were worth reading
Poochie - October 21, 2009
Amen
marc w - October 21, 2009
Finally someone has the balls to say it
OlSalty - October 21, 2009
That comment was really the dog's bollocks
Graham MacAree - October 21, 2009
...50,000 comments later
Poochie - October 21, 2009
If he was a student I would fail his ass so hard
Poochie - October 21, 2009
I forgot how truly dreadful this was. Unbelievable.
(And FJM’s takedown was good.)
Teej - October 21, 2009
Not to be a one-upper, but
this happened.
waldo rojas - October 21, 2009
At least that one is legible
Graham MacAree - October 21, 2009
Yeah I agree
If I were a teacher I’d at least be forced to give him a C. He does get his point across!
Poochie - October 21, 2009
Woody Paige doesn't have a hyperlink to his apology for writing the column on the header though, does he?
waldo rojas - October 21, 2009
damn you!
marc w - October 21, 2009
That's besides the point
Poochie - October 21, 2009
And it looks like apologized. When will Woody follow suit?
(we all know Plaschke never will)
marc w - October 21, 2009
What the hell was this guy thinking? How is that story remotely connected to sports? Does he have any freaking idea what sports are even for?
mark sobba - October 21, 2009
Christ, he literally has 3 leads. All in rapid succession. Disgusting.
.Taylor - October 21, 2009
Hmmmm....
I get that it’s inappropriate, certainly.
But I actually find it a little funny, myself. LL has poisoned my sensitivities, I guess…
PositivePaul - October 21, 2009
Funny isn't the right word...
“interesting” is…
Actually, the editors are the ones who really need the heat on that one. I actually think the angle is interesting, but the treatment of that angle is way off. Quite possibly the lede, really, because the tone is terrible in the first part. I like the concept, but just not the way it was handled.
PositivePaul - October 21, 2009
but but but
the “angle” is basically a Wikipedia list of “things that happened between this date and this date”, sandwiched in a tasteless package!
pdb - October 21, 2009
The treatment of the angle is tasteless, certainly...
I don’t disagree that it’s really all poor taste. Sports, in the grand scheme of things, mean zilch.
The retrospective angle, though, isn’t inherently bad.
PositivePaul - October 21, 2009
So?
Why do people feel it is their responsibility to be offended for someone else’s sake?
None of these people knew, or cared, who Jaycee Dugard was before this month. Now everybody feels some sort of connection to her because they read a horrible story about her life long torment in a newspaper. I would still wager that most of these simps would have a problem recognizing Jaycee Dugard in public. In 2 years, the common response to her name will be “Who?”.
The Typical Idiot Fan - October 21, 2009
It's still inappropriate
Aaron Campeau - October 21, 2009
Let me know when the time limit is up on the inappropriateness.
I’ll start writing the jokes.
The Typical Idiot Fan - October 21, 2009
There is a difference between you, just some guy (so far as I know,)
making jokes in a setting that tends to view them as acceptable and a journalist making that joke in such a setting. It’s unprofessional.
Aaron Campeau - October 21, 2009
Right.
There’s reality and then there’s my own personal belief structure for the universe.
Reality is that you can do whatever you want, you just have to accept the consequences of your actions. I am free to kick a stranger upside the head, but I am not free from going to jail for assault.
Reality is that he probably shouldn’t have done that so soon after the story broke out. There is a timing level for current shocking events that allows them to be “more okay” than now. He should have used a different example, two of which I listed below, that wouldn’t have garnered nearly the levels of outrage he got. So, yes, he made a rather poor choice for his “sandwich” commentary.
In my personal beliefs, I get to blame the offended for being offended.
The Typical Idiot Fan - October 21, 2009
If you wish to persist in your view
that everyone should have your same standards regarding what constitutes “offensive” and that the only reason people could possibly be offended by such a statement as the one Whicker made is that they are pussies, babies, etc. feel free. I personally find such a stance ignorant and remarkably cynical, but different strokes.
Aaron Campeau - October 21, 2009
I'm not offended in the least
I just thought the article was lazy (look! here’s a list of things!) and somewhat ill-timed. But thanks for being outraged.
pdb - October 21, 2009
No, that I'll agree with.
It’s those taking umbridge with the “tasteless garbage” parts.
The Typical Idiot Fan - October 21, 2009
People aren't allowed to have empathy for strangers?
People in the past didn’t know about Jaycee Dugard and couldn’t have known about her, which is why they didn’t care. If they did know about her they would care. In 2 years no one will remember Jaycee Dugard’s name, but the story will live on. I don’t think either of these invalidate their empathy in the present.
People can develop empathy for others without actually knowing them. Heck, people can develop empathy for fictional characters. Just because the masses don’t know Jaycee personally doesn’t invalidate their empathy.
ChristopherA - October 21, 2009
I would gently suggest that this thread has run its course up above
pdb - October 21, 2009
I thought it was funny too
Just the audacity of the suggestion that she gave a shit about what was going on in the sports world while she was being held against her will and probably ritually abused for years. “Hmm I haven’t seen my family in 10 years and all this rape sure isn’t fun but my biggest regret is I don’t know what Barry Bonds has been up to”.
OlSalty - October 21, 2009
It's the kind of thing that would be funny in some contexts.
A newspaper column is not one of those contexts.
Aaron Campeau - October 21, 2009
Agreed, it's just so blitheringly stupid and thoughtless of them to even think for a second that would be an okay thing to publish
OlSalty - October 21, 2009
When phrased like this, it's goddamn hilarious.
But yes, not in a newspaper. Not for general readership.
Teej - October 21, 2009
A fine appreciation for black comedy.
Sadly, there are still some people overly prickly about Michael Jackson death jokes.
The Typical Idiot Fan - October 21, 2009
Too soon I guess.
Could have done the thing with a Gulf War Veteran who just woke up from a coma or Kurt Cobain rising from the dead after blowing his head off and probably not garnered nearly as much attention. But because the shock and awe is still fresh in the minds of the irrational, it’s offensive.
God I hate people.
The Typical Idiot Fan - October 21, 2009
wait what
Kurt Cobain rose from the dead? SWEET POST-DEATH GRUNGE
pdb - October 21, 2009
Great, now it's even harder to understand his lyrics.
Matthew - October 21, 2009
I liked the post-death "You Know You're Right" remix
Except I swear instead of “Heyyyyyyy” it almost sounded like he was saying “Braaaaaaaaains”
OlSalty - October 21, 2009
Sensitivity is important.
Sorry. It is. Especially when you write for a mass media outlet.
Aaron Campeau - October 21, 2009
For him?
Of course. He has to be careful what he writes because there are masses of overly sensitive people out there who will be outraged and offended if he dares to write a story involving a poor girl who had two decades of torment.
It’s the people who are overly sensitive and prickly about someone writing about a girl who had two decades of torment that I have a problem with. If it’s you, your family, or someone you know… great. Be sensitive for them because you care. The rest of the teeming masses who wont even remember whos he is in a few weeks can fuck the hell off.
The Typical Idiot Fan - October 21, 2009
People have different levels of sensitivity and it is not up to you or anyone else to tell them to "fuck the hell off" because of it.
Aaron Campeau - October 21, 2009
Actually I can do just that.
I can call those who are offened sensitive babies. I can, in fact, tell them to go fuck the hell off.
Can Mr. Whicker do that? Certainly not.
The Typical Idiot Fan - October 21, 2009
Especially one in ORANGE COUNTY
PositivePaul - October 21, 2009
Huh
Well of course there’s no “v” in it when you take the v out.
OlSalty - October 21, 2009
Yeah that was my favorite one
Poochie - October 21, 2009
If that were a parody it would be brilliant.
stupidquestions - October 21, 2009
And because it's not, you cannot make a brilliant parody.
There’s nothing anyone can do to parody that. Nothing.
marc w - October 21, 2009
I hate that he gets paid to write that crap
And I have to pay to go to college to have a minuscule chance of taking ANY sports writer’s job. There is no fucking justice in the world. That paragraph alone is a fireable offense if I’m his editor. As a guy working my ass off to become a good sportswriter, seeing people like him get (sometimes good) national attention when they turn out shit like this almost makes me want to give up. Sweet Jesus.
BrettJMiller - October 21, 2009
That's what great about new media.
Matthew - October 21, 2009
Just need to figure out a way to get a revenue stream.
A good model will eventually come along. SBN is making its way there.
Wilder. - October 21, 2009
These are the kind of articles that really make me miss FJM.
mark2 - October 21, 2009
The funniest part
is that 4 xbh over 30 PA is 80 over 600 PA, which is like hitting 30 HR with 50 doubles, obviously not productive.
_David_ - October 21, 2009
I'd rather read 1,000 Youtube comments than a Plaschke or Paige article
Gihyou - October 21, 2009 via mobile
That's a tough call
Can I just beat myself over the head repeatedly with a 2×4 instead?
pdb - October 21, 2009
Uh.
Even if you use his tiny 4 extra-base hits in 29 at-bats sample size, that works out to 82 extra base hits over a 600 at-bat season. What a tool.
Pete_ - October 21, 2009
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