Time to (partially) make good on a promise I delivered many moons ago and classify all the Mariners on the 40-man roster by the appearance of their pictures. If someone doesn't show up below, it's because SBN doesn't have a photo available. Names not included for the sake of protecting Justin Thomas.
TIER 1 (Doesn't look like he smells)
TIER 2 (Doesn't look like he smells, but is standing close to someone who does)
TIER 3 (Can't tell if he smells but something is clearly wrong with him)
TIER 4 (Looks like he smells, but doesn't know it)
TIER 5 (Looks like he smells and knows that he smells)
TIER 6 (Looks like he smells, knows that he smells, and loves that he smells)
13 recs | 102 comments
Franklin knows that he smells of Love.
msb - October 22, 2009
I pissed myself as I scrolled to tier 6. Well played Jeff. Well played.
David89 - October 22, 2009
I hate that smug Silva smile
Fin - October 22, 2009
By the way, this guy totally looks like he smells.
Fin - October 22, 2009
He has smellier pictures in existence but I was limiting myself to what SBN supplies
Jeff Sullivan - October 22, 2009
No, even in that picture
Kirsten Schlewitz - October 23, 2009
Who is it?
Mariner John - October 23, 2009
Messenger
marc w - October 23, 2009
He didn't look white trash enough for me to recognize him.
Mariner John - October 23, 2009
That, or he didn't have that goatee thingy in the M's organization.
marc w - October 23, 2009
He does
But it’s a bit different than in that photo.
section331 - October 23, 2009
Thomas looks like he's shocked that he smells.
Slurvey - October 22, 2009
Franklin's goatee strip looks really dirty
vivaelpujols - October 22, 2009
If you mean dirty in a
“oh you dirty fellow, shagging all those flyballs” sort of way. Otherwise, I’m not sure how something that thin can accumulate dirt.
Sam Page - October 22, 2009
dirty like something that I wouldn't trust while passed out
vivaelpujols - October 23, 2009
You are really bored, aren't you?
section331 - October 22, 2009
No
Jeff Sullivan - October 22, 2009
I kid
That was called kidding.
Everyone here is so serious.
section331 - October 22, 2009
Says the comment underneath a post about which Mariner players look like they smell
Jeff Sullivan - October 22, 2009
Are you insinuating that you cannot accurately gauge these players' smells in this manner?
Look, I come here for analysis, and if you’re just going to amuse yourself, I’ll get real content elsewhere.
marc w - October 22, 2009
Yes
NOW it’s serious.
section331 - October 23, 2009
I think Jeff is constantly amusing himself by making fun of others
How juvenile.
OlSalty - October 22, 2009
Oh Gaby.... Oh dear Gaby... we'll get you a smaller hat. It's OK.
marc w - October 22, 2009
That boy ain't right.
Terminator X - October 22, 2009
He really is small
Like way smaller than I initially thought he would be – but a baseball hat fits MY head, so…..I dunno.
section331 - October 23, 2009
He's not actually small. That's what makes the photo so bizarre/awesome.
I saw him all the time at Cheney, and he didn’t look quite so… i don’t know, vulnerable.
marc w - October 23, 2009
He seemed small to me
Not small, small, (I mean, 6 feet+ is not small, right?) but smaller than I might have expected. And really nervous.
section331 - October 23, 2009
Maybe ...
it is that double life he is leading.
msb - October 23, 2009
Oh my!
Where do you find this stuff? haha!
section331 - October 23, 2009
That boy just does not photograph well
here and here
msb - October 23, 2009
Poor little fella
He looks much better in person….
section331 - October 23, 2009
Yeah, I think it's more that he has a smaller head than proportionality would dictate.
This is called Ubaldomorphism.
marc w - October 23, 2009
I'm surprised he leaves the house without a helmet.
abender20 - October 23, 2009
I think maybe
Tui also belongs in the last category…
section331 - October 22, 2009
Same with Aardsma.
Tons and tons of cheap cologne.
Making lewd comments about women behind their back, but totally within ear shot.
Often smells strongly of certain foods.
marc w - October 22, 2009
Is this some sort of awesome new form of haiku
Because it is great
OlSalty - October 22, 2009
My head is angled
And I am smilin at you, brah
marc w - October 23, 2009
When is Tuesdays With Sean Green returning?
Poochie - October 23, 2009
Does it make me a bad fan if I can't recognize all of these players?
Also, does SBN not provide photos for the rest of the players on the 40-man? I’m dying to know whether or not Dustin Ackley smells.
I Lick Squirrels - October 23, 2009
It doesn't have guys like Ackley, Fister, or French yet (among others)
Jeff Sullivan - October 23, 2009
Ackley's easy
lemonverbena - October 23, 2009
Wait, is that the American version of Lynx shower gel?
That’s exactly the same looking stuff as what I use, except mine is called Lynx [who make all kinds of awful deodorants as well]
EnglishMariner - October 23, 2009
Yes.
marc w - October 23, 2009
It's time to change your shower gel!
unless your life dream is to be an American frat boy.
pdb - October 23, 2009
Do English party boys drink whiskey and crumpets?
JamMasterJesus - October 24, 2009
And how does Jack Wilson not smell?
vivaelpujols - October 23, 2009
He doesn't look like he smells
Jeff Sullivan - October 23, 2009
You're still wrong about this.
Kirsten Schlewitz - October 23, 2009
He looks like he has the flu
Poochie - October 23, 2009
I have a degree in this
Jeff Sullivan - October 23, 2009
Wilson looks like he revels in the smells of his teammates
lemonverbena - October 23, 2009
Wilson is small and agile enough to do a double pits to chesty with relative ease, so I highly doubt he smells.
Teej - October 23, 2009
Oh, dear God...
section331 - October 23, 2009
Double pits to chesty has eclisped Git R Done as the #1 phrase that makes me want to stap people in the throat.
Goose - October 23, 2009
Do people ever say this in any neighborhood of seriousness?
Aaron Campeau - October 24, 2009
I hope not.
Goose - October 24, 2009
Just because someone is ugly does not mean they smell.
I am living proof!
Aaron Campeau - October 23, 2009
When I told you you stank I was really complimenting you on how you look.
pdb - October 23, 2009
I thought you cover up your smell with booze and shame.
Kirsten Schlewitz - October 23, 2009
Self deprecation is my schtick asshole.
Sec 108 - October 23, 2009
He looks like he chases parked cars
pakipaki - October 26, 2009
Tier 3 had me busting up laughing.
Wilder. - October 23, 2009
I feel bad for not recognising who literally half of those guys are.
Also, hilarious post!
EnglishMariner - October 23, 2009
Half of these guys didn't play for the 2009 mariners.
marc w - October 23, 2009
The 2009 Mariners!
“Who the hell are half these guys?”
Craig341 - October 23, 2009
This is hard. Some of those shots are too darned artistic. Or bad.
Aardsma, Batista, Beltre, ______, Hannahan, Messenger, Morrow, Snell, Jo. Wilson.
Bedard, Branyan, Feierabend, Hall,________ , F. Hernandez, Ichiro, Jakubauskus, Olson, Sweeney, Vargas, _______, Ja. Wilson
G. Hernandez
French, Langerhans, Lopez, _______, _______.
Carp, Griffey, Gutierrez, _______, Johnson, _______, Kelley, Rowland-Smith, Tuiasosopo
Silva
msb - October 23, 2009
Tier 1 (Endy Chavez)
Tier 2 (Greg Halman), (Marwin Vega)
Tier 4 (Justin Thomas) (Sean White)
Tier 5 (Cesar Jimenez) (Bryan LaHair)
marc w - October 23, 2009
Endy :(
msb - October 23, 2009
The one before RRS is definitely Mark Lowe.
I Lick Squirrels - October 23, 2009
True
marc w - October 23, 2009
Does he look like he wants Doritos real bad?
section331 - October 23, 2009
Wouldn't you know if Felix Hernandez smells?
seattlebruin - October 23, 2009
Tier 2 is the best.
Bedard is about five seconds away from exhaling loudly and scampering away.
Teej - October 23, 2009
I'm not sure Bedard can "scamper"
Aardsma seems more the scampering type. I’ve actually seen Griffey scamper…
section331 - October 23, 2009
What the fuck is wrong with Gaby Hernandez
gregrabble - October 23, 2009
He's 8?
pdb - October 23, 2009
The more I look at it, the more I think Marvin Vega both smells and is standing close to someone who smells worse
Jeff Sullivan - October 23, 2009
I think Greg Halman is both high, and is standing close to someone who is high.
marc w - October 23, 2009
Way to play the stereotype there, marc
Jeff Sullivan - October 23, 2009
I held off as long as I could.
Seriously though, look at it.
marc w - October 23, 2009
He's holding it together, but he's going to start giggling any second now.
marc w - October 23, 2009
I think he's about to offer to hook up the photographer
Jeff Sullivan - October 23, 2009
He is both Dutch and from the Caribbean.
I’ll bet you a million doll hairs that his bookshelf is 50% Jorge Cervantes, 25% Archie comics and 25% cookbooks involving the words “Top Ramen” “Rice Krispies” and “green butter.”
Aaron Campeau - October 23, 2009
He is not from the Caribbean.
That’s Wlad you’re thinking of.
marc w - October 23, 2009
But I think you may have his bookshelf pegged pretty well.
At least, based on this photo.
marc w - October 23, 2009
My racist ass assumed he was born in the Netherlands Antilles.
Aaron Campeau - October 23, 2009
Halman is straight outta Haarlem.
He’s pure Dutch, no modifiers required.
marc w - October 23, 2009
I never realised how much Brandon Morrow looks like Jeff.
Llewdor - October 23, 2009
In this context I'll take that as a compliment
Jeff Sullivan - October 23, 2009
No offense, but Morrow clearly doesn't belong in Tier 1
I’d say either 3 or 4…
I still can’t look at Jakubauskas without thinking of this guy:
PositivePaul - October 23, 2009
Morrow looks like he showers frequently and with great gusto.
abender20 - October 23, 2009
I'm guessing 14 times a day, quietly whispering "still not clean" to himself all the while.
Aaron Campeau - October 23, 2009
I have to post this every time
esoteric - October 24, 2009
Am I the only one
who still can’t help but read “looks like he smells” as
“has an appearance similar to his odor”?
What would that list look like?
zorak - October 23, 2009
I'm pretty sure Bedard and Branyan smell like fish bait and gun oil.
Kermit. - October 23, 2009
That'll do.
royalcurve - October 23, 2009
That's Wakamatsu.
Mariner John - October 23, 2009
Yea, Now this post made me think how
ugly our players are except maybe like Gutierrez and Morrow and couple others who have normal faces. Not that I’m a good judge of how male faces look like.
Well actually I feel better after looking at the really bad starting pitcher pictures from the ALCS threads, so I’m sure other teams are even worse. I don’t think it’s this bad in football.
fortyniners - October 26, 2009
Thank you for this
speedomike - October 23, 2009
Actually I bet Adrian smells.
Like sandalwood and perhaps a bit of sea salt and maybe just a little tiny bit like a man. A real man, dammit, not something that you envision a man to be in some manner of fairy tale, but a man nonetheless; a man in the flesh. A man of actual substance, of the dirt, of the soil, of sweat and clay and yes, maybe even perhaps of the scent of a man’s most intimate possessions, not shrouded in mystery but exposed, free to the world, for all the fear and danger and boldness that such a gesture entails.
Like sandalwood, perhaps. And like a man.
Aaron Campeau - October 24, 2009
*sigh*
msb - October 24, 2009
Are you even talking about Beltre anymore??
JamMasterJesus - October 24, 2009
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